It’s 4:30am, the dawn is hours away and everything is dark.
From my room to my thoughts.
Inky blackness surrounds me.
It’s Autumn, the season of birthdays (yey!) and the nights drawing in (boo).
I have a strange Pagan relationship with the seasons.
- Spring is optimism.
- Summer is long lazy days.
- Autumn is a welcomed change.
- Winter is quite plainly the worst time of year for me.
It’s likely I suffer from SAD (my SAD lamp is on right now) and Winter is horrendous for me.
It’s 4:30am and I’m furiously Googling flights to warmer and brighter climbs and my mind is racing.
How do I get out of this?
Why is this happening to me?
Is this life from now on?
Oh yeah, I was going FULL MIDLIFE CRISIS.
Ok, I wasn’t but hey, the drama builds the story, right?!
OMG! I have so much to do to make things happen.
My brain wouldn’t STFU!
Another crazy night of mania, awesome!
Then a tiny voice said “why think bad things when you can think good things?”
Makes sense but in the moment, my brain is tearing me a new one and I’m in major freak out mode.
Ok brain, let’s try your way.
What’s good about right now?
Well, I’m in bed, it’s warm, my boy is sleeping next to me and not snoring for once, I’m safe, loved and cared for…
Hold the phone!! I’m feeling better.
Or maybe… don’t hold the phone and Googling flights to Malaga! Instead, I put it down and made myself be present.
Presence does a very strange thing.
It grounds you and unless you’re in danger, you will feel instantly better.
What is this voodoo?
Intellectually, we KNOW that being present and appreciating the moment will make us feel so much better.
But when it comes to practicing it, and it is a practice, the concept gets left at the back of the cupboard and we go searching for a shot of misery instead.
But in that moment of misery, we have a choice. We can ALWAYS choose to think better thoughts.
And yeah, it’s goddamn hard to do when you’re in the moment but that’s when your training kicks in.
We get to practice being here now when we’re not in crisis then we can rely on that training.
So now my year looks like this…
- Spring — Get into meditation
- Summer — Get really good at meditation
- Autumn — Rely on my meditation training
- Winter — Not go crazy!